Day 1

Day 1, November 12, 2010 (Sunday)

I wake up hungry & make my traditional morning latte.  I sit down on the couch and drink it.  I enjoy it & also wake up a little.  Drinking a warm beverage is probably one of the easiest times for me to be present-I already do it most of the time.  The only thing easier is probably a good beer or glass of wine.  Next, I make huevos rancheros.  I sit down at the table to enjoy my breakfast & half way through realize I have not been paying any attention to what I am eating at all.  I refocus & for the most part am able to concentrate on what I am eating.  I am still a little hungry, I mean, hunger is still a little present, but I feel satisfied enough to continue with my day.  Later, I snack on a tangerine (I love the local food in Austin!). 

I didn’t eat quite enough at breakfast, & have an early lunch to make up for it: spinach miso soup, bread with butter, & two slices of cheese.  As I work my way through I start to realize the hunger is leaving.  Is it gone? Not quite.  I still have a lot of food on my plate.  I can’t just throw it out.  I can’t just put it back in the frig.  There are children in Africa starving.  Despite the fact that my mom never actually used this phrase, the American clean your plate culture has still penetrated me, & I can’t just stop eating when there is food on my plate.  I sit back & pause.  Yes, I can just put this food back in the frig-it will be okay.  “As for the children in Africa, you developing coronary heart disease is not going to help them”, I tell myself.  Okay-there is still a little hunger present.  I finish the broth & put the remaining cheese & bread back in the frig.  I guess it can be done.

I am at the store later that day & realize how good it feels to just not have hunger versus being full.  I don’t know how to describe it, but there is something freeing about the experience, I feel & am a little lighter.  I am somehow less tempted, less addicted to food, simply by stopping eating when I no longer have hunger for one day.  All those diets where I gave up carbs or sugar or fat for three weeks to get rid of my addiction were not as affective as one meal of stopping a little bit sooner.

The bar of chocolate I bought has been tempting me all weekend.  I put it off until I have hunger again.  Okay-finally I eat it.  I sit down on the couch to focus solely on the chocolate.  Half way through, though, I realize . . .  I have been thinking about taxes.  TAXES!!  I have been thinking about the chocolate all weekend.  Wanting it, trying to justify eating it.   It is my favorite food & something I spend a lot of time thinking about.  I finally get around to EATING it & what to I think about-TAXES!  Why is it so hard to think about the thing I am actually doing!?!

Let’s take a little detour to understand how frustrating this is for me.  After switching to skim milk at the age of 7 & being on every diet under the sun before finishing college.  I finally settled on an eating philosophy that gets at the heart of my & I imagine many other American’s problem with food.  Our culture tells us we are fat because we eat emotionally.  I get want they mean-why else did I want the chocolate when I wasn’t even hungry?  But I would almost argue the opposite.  That we do not eat emotionally enough.  Every ancient culture had a significant  emotional relationship with their food.   They named their moons around it, the developed their religions based on when food was harvested, the grew it, they processed it, they cooked it, and they ate it all themselves.  They were connected with the entire process intimately.  When it was harvested, they gathered together to celebrate.  Food connected people to each other, to God, to themselves.  It was an integral part of their lives & because they were so connected with the process, they knew that their lives were dependent on it. 

We, on the other hand, buy the boxes of –what some might call-food at the store; stick them in the microwave, then eat in front of the TV, in the car (20% of the time), or at our desks.  It is ultimately unsatisfying-so, we eat more.  I am convinced that we need food to provide joy and happiness and connection in our lives.  I am convinced that American’s relationship with our food is shallow.  We don’t have a real relationship with it, so with keep shoving it down hoping for satisfaction the same way a sex addict misses the intellectual, spiritual and emotional relationship with his partner for a one dimensional sexual relationship.  This is why I garden, go to the farmer’s market, volunteer on the farm, spend hours a week cooking.  It is so my relationship with food would not be shallow.  The presence I have while chopping up herbs, simmering wine with onions, oil and garlic, planting some seeds, or digging into the earth is, however, all diminished by the fact that while I am eating- I am thinking about . . . taxes.  This is depressing . . . or enlightening.  Guess I’ll get some enlightenment after all.

After having another snack of the bread from lunch that I put back it the frig, I feel a little better about the starving children in Africa.  Next, I cook dinner.  I had already made the cranberry sauce earlier that day; now I needed the open-faced mushroom gravy sandwich with tempeh and maple-roasted carrots.  I cook it up & put it on my plate.  I realize I put a lot of food on my plate.   If lunch had been any lesson, I wouldn’t be able to eat it all.  But I really wanted to at least get through the carrots.  So I finished them up first.  I realize sooner that I am not really focusing on what I am eating- which is sad because this food tastes AMAZING!  I slow down, pay attention not just to the taste, but the smell, how it looks on my fork, the reflection of the light on my fork.  There is still some play back and forth between focus and distraction, but the meal is enjoyable.  I find myself at peace while eating it.  Near the end, I am not quite sure when to stop.  I feel full, but wouldn’t quite say I do not have hunger- I have a little hunger-one more bite. Putting the dishes away I realize-I probably did not have hunger before that last bite- I feel a little past full and on the continuum towards stuffed-oops.  I still ate less then I would have otherwise.

It is amazing how hard it was to stop eating this meal.  I did not have hunger.  I put the food away from lunch & world continued to revolve around its axes; yet, again, it was hard to stop at dinner.  What do I think will happen if I simply put the food back in the frig.  Granted, this meal will not recover as leftovers as well as lunch.  Does that really justify ignoring the cues from my body saying enough is enough? Why does a plate have more say over what I eat then my stomach?  I have for the last few years based what I chose to eat based on what my body tells me to eat.  I am convinced that it is not nutritionists, the latest diet fade, and certainly not the USDA that knows what I should eat.  I am convinced that my body knows best what and how much I should eat.  Yet, I am so tempted to let an innate object such as a plate, determine when to put down another innate object: the fork.